Old fishing joke

[Jim J]

Why I Gave Up Fishing

 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph!

 

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed here I cuddled up to my wife's back. Now with a different anticipation, and whispered, " The weather out there is terrible ! ! "

 

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff."

[jude]

OK, Jim. You started it:

 

What did the smallie say when it swam into a concrete wall?

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DAM!

[Tim Negronida]

Kent and three of his buddies have gone fishing every Saturday for nearly forty years. One Saturday, the guys are fishing along a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Kent lays down his pool, stands up in the boat, takes off his lucky hat and places it over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down, puts his hat on and cast out without saying a word. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of them finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over forty years!"

[johnk]

Yet another example of our Government in action!!!!

 

A little long but worth it.

 

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

 

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

 

 

(State's letter) SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

 

Dear Mr. DeVries:

 

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

 

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural! R! esource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

 

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

 

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

 

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

 

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

 

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

 

Sincerely,

 

David L. Price

District Representative, Land and Water Management Division

 

 

 

This is the actual response sent back:

 

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

 

Dear Mr. Price,

 

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been handed to me to respond in regarding to the above mentioned file. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

 

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

 

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

 

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers... or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

 

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through The Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Co implied Laws, annotated.

 

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

 

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

 

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to harass them then.

 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

 

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

 

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers